I’ve been having a war with my own emotions this week regarding what I’m SUPPOSED to feel about something versus what I DO feel about it. Most of you know that we have set up an extremely private facebook account and page to communicate with C’s birthmom and share pictures. While we don’t communicate every month, we do communicate.
I admit that I am easily frustrated with these communications because all we receive in return regarding things we share is “he’s getting so big” or information about her life or her other children’s progress in school or growth. Those children are not in her custody either. The facebook news feed is full of drama and court dates and info about anger management classes.
She frequently says she misses him. I understand what she is saying. I do. But it upsets me still.
You can’t miss someone you don’t know. You can miss the idea of him, but you don’t miss HIM. You don’t know the little person he is. You don’t know that he can hardly sit still, even to eat. You don’t know that there is something deep inside him that compels him to vault off furniture if the chance presents itself…… and by “presents itself” I mean if there happens to be furniture of any kind around. He loves music. He sings every song on the radio, has convinced his Mimi to teach him piano, and plays the drums excessively. You don’t know that he loves. He loves to the full extent of a 5 year old heart. I cannot leave his room at night without him returning my hug and kiss. If you give him a gift or a piece of candy he will immediately ask if he can have another one for his brother. He cherishes time alone with both of his parents. He loves time when the family is together. He LOVES school. He can’t wait to be allowed to start sports. You don’t know how much it nearly broke us to watch him be so brave as he was so sick back in January. He never ever told the doctors that he wasn’t feeling “fine” even though I personally thought we were going to lose him 3 different times. You don’t know how we were in constant watch over him and how we prayed over him and how we cried. It nearly broke all of us, that experience. He has such a resilient spirit. You don’t know that if he is worried about something he will not tell you. He internalizes almost everything and you HAVE to draw him out. He worries, but to himself. You have to break through the crusty exterior of a 5 year old lashing out at everything to get to the core of him and realize that he’s just worried or scared. If he IS truly afraid of something new he’ll walk away for awhile, but then before you know it he’s gotten his courage up again. You’ll only realize that he’s convinced himself he can do something because you turn around and he’s suddenly doing it on his own. And he’s HILARIOUS. He loves to tease people and he loves to laugh. You will never realize the extent to which that child will push his boundaries and your limits of sanity. He is such a challenge and such a blessing.
But you can’t miss a person you don’t know, and I’m just not full of enough grace to be ok with you saying that you miss him. Because you don’t miss HIM. You miss the idea of him.
I’m not so callous that I don’t understand what she is trying to say, but at this moment in time I can’t reconcile my head with my heart. And I really don’t know what to do about it except to keep extending kindness and grace where I’m able and to keep loving that crazy little boy with all my heart.